Boundaries & Beyond…

 

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"Travel and tell no one, live a true love story and tell no one, 

live happily and tell no one, people ruin beautiful things."

So goes the famous Khalil Gibran quote. 

Boundaries. An essential component of any relationship (romantic or otherwise). Something that ensures relationships stay healthy for long. Something that determines how much of your life you are willing to share with others. Something that should be respected by all. And yet, this is a concept, unfortunately, quite alien to people.

Each individual is built in a different way; cultural aspects, the background, everything plays a role in how we perceive various things and situations. Children may be taught right from the very beginning to normalize things that shouldn’t be normalized. Children are brought up to become “people pleasers”. All along, not once will the child’s opinion be sought. How then, will the child ever learn to take a stand for herself when it’s time for her to do so! And if she does try to place her point on record, she'll be called out for it. She'll be accused of being disobedient and made to feel guilty about it. And hence, she grows up to be a person with no voice for herself, with the sole intention of "pleasing everyone". 

Everyone may not be comfortable doing what the majority does. Someone may have a past that he/she is not comfortable sharing, but that past may be the reason as to why or how they act today. Respecting one’s choice without questioning is the basis of the term commonly misused, unconditional love. If someone wants to keep certain things to themselves, their choice to do so should be respected. Yet, people not only disrespect it, at times they find it downright offensive.

Unconditional love. A self-explanatory term. Love without terms and conditions, without any expectations, without any preconceived notions or biases. And on oft abused term. People who quote this term often, are the ones that end up being the most demanding, and many a times, abusive. “If you do this, then we’ll not……”, how often have we heard things like this. Our culture has taught us to respect people, especially those elder to us; to not question them irrespective of your opinion. Isn’t this a way to normalize a lot of wrongs, all in the name of respect and culture!

How then does one come out of this trap! A lesson I’ve learnt is people who expect, will never stop doing so. The more one tries to please, the expectations rise as well. And when you do set certain boundaries, if people take offense at it, bingo! They are the ones you have to have boundaries. One has to learn to draw the line somewhere, as otherwise, one only ends up being frustrated in the quest to please everyone. A positive, vicious cycle.

When someone starts making their happiness dependent on someone else’s actions- that is a red flag. Each individual is responsible for his/her own happiness. Many people are blessed with a lot of things, yet they find reasons, at times very trivial, to create an issue and become unhappy. These are people one needs to be wary about. And then there are people who learn to take joy and be grateful for the little things in life. They do not expect anything from anyone, but are always there for you when you need them the most. No questions asked, no judgement passed. They are always happy. These are the people you need to build relationships with.

Learning to be firm about one’s choice, politely and gently making your point, yet standing firm when it comes to certain things, is a good way to deal with people, when they don’t understand what ‘boundaries’ mean. Of course, the risk of being misunderstood is quite high, especially if you’re dealing with manipulative folk. But the, remember, it is your life, and you get to choose how you want to lead it, what you want to share, and what you want to keep private. As long as you’re true to yourself, as long as you’re not being sinful, and as long as you’re not knowingly, willfully hurting someone, it really shouldn’t matter. 

Easier said than done? Perhaps.